RE: Motivation
In response to your letter to me.
Dear Rina,
I think it's a little uncanny how you write to me about one of my core insecurities. Something that I've learned about myself over the past few years is how easy it is for me to succumb to my depression and anxiety in this particular area. I can easily get into this cycle of not feeling good enough, not doing enough, and not being enough; this is what propelled me in my undergrad to do so many things. And while I don't regret doing so much in my undergrad, I felt burnt out a lot of the time. I found myself in these vast mood swings and pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion and overall it just didn't feel like a good, healthy way to live my life.
I'm now on the other side of that spectrum where I feel like my life is somewhat stagnant. I'm in graduate school, I have a part-time job at UH, and I live with my boyfriend. I'm in a very steady routine of going to work, going to school, and coming home. I find myself falling into a routine of doing the same thing within each: doing the same tasks at work I don't enjoy, doing the same kind of homework assignments I find incredibly annoying, and doing the same things at home day-in-and-day-out. I've had multiple times where I've thought, "why am I in grad school? I should be working and making money. This feels really useless. What am I even going to do with this once I graduate?!" to which my boyfriend replies, "this isn't supposed to be easy. You're investing short-term in the now for a better future." But honestly, that line always sounded like bullshit because it didn't feel like I was investing in my future. Although this life isn't as challenging, it's incredibly safe and secure at the moment, which is a luxury I never had before so it feels like I shouldn't be complaining...
Even though I don't feel like I'm going anywhere academically or in my career, I've realized that I've grown a lot as a person. I've learned more about how my mind works, and I find myself always questioning why do I feel so restless and why does change need to happen RIGHT NOW. I think it's safe to say that a part of my current and future identity does feel threatened that I'm not doing a million and one things at once to make me a more competitive, professional candidate. At the same time, I think this says a lot about how I define success and what am I willing to sacrifice to be successful.
Though this was a long, roundabout way of saying this, I think what I'm trying to say is: embrace this uncomfortable feeling of being lost. Really dive in, head-first in exploring why you feel lost and why your hard work feels fruitless. Your letter has a lot of "I should," but why? Why do you feel the need to do these things? What part of you is so threatened that you NEED to perform these actions? What are you trying to prove?
At its core, I think we're all going through an identity crisis. I think coming out of college and being a semi-adult, it's a little scary getting out on the other side and realizing that choosing a career, building relationships, and life itself isn't a linear of a path as we expected it to be. What I want to know is what kind of person does Rina want to be? How does she want people to perceive her? What kinds of skills does she want to have and what kinds of people does she want to attract? Not "what SHOULD Rina do". When I feel lost, these are the kinds of questions I ask myself because if I compare what I'm doing now with who I want to be and they don't line up, then I know it's time for a change.
Sorry, this was a little rambly, but I hope this helped.
With all my love,
Rachel
Dear Rina,
I think it's a little uncanny how you write to me about one of my core insecurities. Something that I've learned about myself over the past few years is how easy it is for me to succumb to my depression and anxiety in this particular area. I can easily get into this cycle of not feeling good enough, not doing enough, and not being enough; this is what propelled me in my undergrad to do so many things. And while I don't regret doing so much in my undergrad, I felt burnt out a lot of the time. I found myself in these vast mood swings and pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion and overall it just didn't feel like a good, healthy way to live my life.
I'm now on the other side of that spectrum where I feel like my life is somewhat stagnant. I'm in graduate school, I have a part-time job at UH, and I live with my boyfriend. I'm in a very steady routine of going to work, going to school, and coming home. I find myself falling into a routine of doing the same thing within each: doing the same tasks at work I don't enjoy, doing the same kind of homework assignments I find incredibly annoying, and doing the same things at home day-in-and-day-out. I've had multiple times where I've thought, "why am I in grad school? I should be working and making money. This feels really useless. What am I even going to do with this once I graduate?!" to which my boyfriend replies, "this isn't supposed to be easy. You're investing short-term in the now for a better future." But honestly, that line always sounded like bullshit because it didn't feel like I was investing in my future. Although this life isn't as challenging, it's incredibly safe and secure at the moment, which is a luxury I never had before so it feels like I shouldn't be complaining...
Even though I don't feel like I'm going anywhere academically or in my career, I've realized that I've grown a lot as a person. I've learned more about how my mind works, and I find myself always questioning why do I feel so restless and why does change need to happen RIGHT NOW. I think it's safe to say that a part of my current and future identity does feel threatened that I'm not doing a million and one things at once to make me a more competitive, professional candidate. At the same time, I think this says a lot about how I define success and what am I willing to sacrifice to be successful.
Though this was a long, roundabout way of saying this, I think what I'm trying to say is: embrace this uncomfortable feeling of being lost. Really dive in, head-first in exploring why you feel lost and why your hard work feels fruitless. Your letter has a lot of "I should," but why? Why do you feel the need to do these things? What part of you is so threatened that you NEED to perform these actions? What are you trying to prove?
At its core, I think we're all going through an identity crisis. I think coming out of college and being a semi-adult, it's a little scary getting out on the other side and realizing that choosing a career, building relationships, and life itself isn't a linear of a path as we expected it to be. What I want to know is what kind of person does Rina want to be? How does she want people to perceive her? What kinds of skills does she want to have and what kinds of people does she want to attract? Not "what SHOULD Rina do". When I feel lost, these are the kinds of questions I ask myself because if I compare what I'm doing now with who I want to be and they don't line up, then I know it's time for a change.
Sorry, this was a little rambly, but I hope this helped.
With all my love,
Rachel
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