Loneliness
Dear Rina,
I've been going on this incredible journey of self-discovery this past year. It's been a lot of hills and MANY valleys, but I wanted to write to you today on the topic of loneliness. The first letter I wrote to you centered around this. I struggled with this idea of what friendship was and why I had such a hard time understanding my place in this world with people such as what I meant to people and what they meant to me.
I think from a young age, we're told that "your friends are forever" and friendship is basically defined your value in life. I think that's why I always had problems when my friendships seemed to fail and I wondered if this was a direct reflection on me. If my friendship failed, does that mean I'm a bad person? It took me a while, but I finally realized that I should be holding my friends to a higher standard. I should be as critical about my friendships as I am about my romantic relationships.
Matthew Hussey (the guy I mentioned in that first letter) released a "part 2" to his Loneliness video. (part 1 and part 2) and this partially puts into words all the things I realized about myself and my relationship with people over this past year. I need to create meaningful relationships and realize the people that mean the most to me in this moment of my life (you, Kylie, and Corynne [a gf you haven't met]), isn't defined by how much I talk to you guys or how we met or how long we've known each other-- it's because you three listen with intent to understand, allow me to be vulnerable without judgement or negativity, and are honest with your flaws. I respect all of you because it feels like you all respect me. This means when I come to you for help (or vice versa), I don't feel like I'm wasting my time and effort when I give my honest opinion and do everything I can to help. I know that you'll seriously consider my advice. I feel this sense of reciprocity and belonging when I'm with you three and I haven't been able to put that feeling into words until now.
This all kind of happened last month when I had this major breakdown because it felt like I had no close friends once Corynne left (she's going to UW for her master's). I had this realization that the other friends I do hang out with, I don't feel extremely connected to. I felt like the mainland was just taking important people from me and I can't make a decision about leaving myself for another year. I felt angry, resentful, guilty, and lonely all at the same time. This made my depression worse and I just felt so worthless. I just went into this "woe is me" mode and I couldn't break it. But here's a few things I did to change that feeling:
I've been going on this incredible journey of self-discovery this past year. It's been a lot of hills and MANY valleys, but I wanted to write to you today on the topic of loneliness. The first letter I wrote to you centered around this. I struggled with this idea of what friendship was and why I had such a hard time understanding my place in this world with people such as what I meant to people and what they meant to me.
I think from a young age, we're told that "your friends are forever" and friendship is basically defined your value in life. I think that's why I always had problems when my friendships seemed to fail and I wondered if this was a direct reflection on me. If my friendship failed, does that mean I'm a bad person? It took me a while, but I finally realized that I should be holding my friends to a higher standard. I should be as critical about my friendships as I am about my romantic relationships.
Matthew Hussey (the guy I mentioned in that first letter) released a "part 2" to his Loneliness video. (part 1 and part 2) and this partially puts into words all the things I realized about myself and my relationship with people over this past year. I need to create meaningful relationships and realize the people that mean the most to me in this moment of my life (you, Kylie, and Corynne [a gf you haven't met]), isn't defined by how much I talk to you guys or how we met or how long we've known each other-- it's because you three listen with intent to understand, allow me to be vulnerable without judgement or negativity, and are honest with your flaws. I respect all of you because it feels like you all respect me. This means when I come to you for help (or vice versa), I don't feel like I'm wasting my time and effort when I give my honest opinion and do everything I can to help. I know that you'll seriously consider my advice. I feel this sense of reciprocity and belonging when I'm with you three and I haven't been able to put that feeling into words until now.
This all kind of happened last month when I had this major breakdown because it felt like I had no close friends once Corynne left (she's going to UW for her master's). I had this realization that the other friends I do hang out with, I don't feel extremely connected to. I felt like the mainland was just taking important people from me and I can't make a decision about leaving myself for another year. I felt angry, resentful, guilty, and lonely all at the same time. This made my depression worse and I just felt so worthless. I just went into this "woe is me" mode and I couldn't break it. But here's a few things I did to change that feeling:
- I started taking my medication seriously. This meant taking it when I needed it. I stopped making excuses for not taking it and realized that it doesn't make me any less of a person for needing to take it.
- Stopped making excuses for not talking to important people and just did it. I'll be seeing you later this week, but Kylie and I have been talking more since she came home to visit. She talks to me about her problems and it makes my heart soar to know I can "be there" to help her and share in her life experiences.
- I downloaded this app called Shapr. It's like Tinder but it uses your LinkedIn and your interests to match you with people. I've met 3 people so far and they've all been amazing. Meeting these people that I would have otherwise never have met makes me feel less alone in my passions in life. I'm currently in the process of looking for a mentor to help guide me through the professional part of my life that's coming up in a year!
This isn't to say that I've got it all figured out. I've still got a lot of anxiety about what questions I should be asking to meet the right people or to get me in the right places. However, I think I'm moving somewhat in the right direction. I feel a lot happier and less alone once I reshaped the way I viewed my relationships with people. And you know what the funny thing is?! The 3 people that I met through Shapr all told me that at 25, they've all said that this feeling of loneliness and worthlessness from the people you surround yourself with was part of their quarter-life crisis. To hear that I'm not the only one struggling through this and to have people older than me say, "you're not crazy and you'll get through this" was so relieving. I guess this letter to you is in one way a document of my revelation and in another, a dedication to our friendship. So I'll end this by saying that I love you so much and I appreciate you and this beautiful relationship we've built together and I can't wait to see you in a few days. 💖
With all my love,
Rachel
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